I don't remember much about that day, but I do remember this. It was April 6, 2007 and we were all so excited! We were going to find out the gender of the baby my mom was pregnant with. All of us were there at the appointment. The dr came in, started the ultra sound, and suddenly told my parents to have us kids leave. Some nurses came and got us and took us to color. A few minutes later I went back to check on my parents and see what they were doing. When I opened the door a rush of terror entered my soul. The view I saw was not the one I expected. My dad had my mom wrapped up in his arms. She was bawling and crying. Even though I was only 8 when this happened, I knew what their grief-stricken faces meant. The instant I realized what had happened I left the room in a dead sprint, tears rolling out of my eyes and beginning to feel the sobs. I reached the Nurse's station where I was coloring and sat down, unable to catch my breath. The nurses came over offering water and comfort, but the image of my dad holding my mom, forever etched into my memory, wouldn't leave me be.
When we got to the car and my dad said he had to tell us something I already knew what he was going to say. Mom had had a miscarriage and the baby was not going to be living with us anymore. At the drop of these words I began crying again because my worst fear had been confirmed. I was so excited for another sibling, and now I wouldn't get that chance (or so I thought. Kam was born the next June). Mom went in for the DnC on April 9, and that's why we celebrate your birthday today.
I have struggled with this story for 11years. I have dealt with grief and pain and anger and sadness from this one event, for 11 years, and guess what? That's ok. It is ok to allow yourself to grieve. You don't have to be the macho one and not let anybody see you hurting. Maybe that's why I have struggled with the loss of Lily so much. It has been more recent too, and maybe that's because I didn't let anyone in when it happened. I put on a brave face and dealt with it on my own terms because I didn't want to be a bother to anybody else with my pain and hurt, when my parents were already hurting so bad. Let me tell you something. If you go somewhere looking for help and comfort after dealing with devastating loss, hurt pain, or any sort of negative emotion, nobody, NOBODY is going to turn you away and say they can't help you. At least not anybody that truly cares about you.
Everybody grieves in their own way, and that's ok. But if you need someone, reach out for them because that's ok too. Grieving is an important part in the healing process and if you don't allow yourself to properly grieve, it is just going to suddenly hit you one day out of nowhere and it's going to hurt like crazy. Happiness is good, but so is grief.
So, for Lily. Happy birthday sis! I sure do miss you. Isn't it crazy that we can miss someone we never met? I know we have never met in this life, but I want you to know that I feel like I KNOW you! I feel like you are here with me in spirit, and I know you are. As hard as it is with you not being here to talk about my first kiss, prom, crushes and all of the other things girls get excited for about in their lives, I know that you are in a better place, away from this nasty world, and that you are still here, and you're still just as excited about these things with me as you would've been if you were physically here. You listen to me and my drama, and even though I know you can't directly respond, I know you are listening and getting in on all of it. I just want you to know that I love you and I can't wait for the day that I get to hold you in my arms and catch up with you. I can't wait for the day that I get to hug you and know what it feels like to be in your presence. I know that you are having so much fun, but I do want you to know that we all miss you.
I am so thankful for the knowledge of eternal families that I have. I know that I will be able to see you again and be with you one day, and I just simply can not wait for that day. I am so thankful that I have had the gospel in hard times like this because it has given me so much comfort to know that you are not alone over there, and that I will be able to see you again. I love you Lil! <3 I am so comforted to know that you are in his arms and that he is watching and caring for you.
Until we meet again,
Love,
MaShayla
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